The children’s story about poop, by Werner Holzwarth and Wolf Erlbruch, ‘The Mole Who Knew That It Was None Of His Business,’ resonates with me right now. To the ryhthm of ‘That’s Not My Name’ by The Ting Ting’s, I am chanting to myself “That’s not my cr*p!” My inner Le Tigre self-mantra anthems and my Sleater Kinney super-power-themed-songs, are all out of kilter with other people’s cra*p. I’m like an ocean sponge that inhales and absorbs all of the cosmic cr*p that’s thrown overboard by passengers on a luxury cruise. I digress. My old guard should stand down and retire gracefully. Hailing a cab for this old habit should be easy, right?
A few years ago I flew to Budapest for dental surgery. I needed my smile back! I had a bad, broken tooth. My self-neglect had peaked and I was taking steps to change my ways. I had a root canal and a filling over the damage in a dentist surgery that overlooked the city, it was a religious experience, for me. It felt good to take my self-care forward, onwards, and upwards. That special and precious dental levee broke a few months ago, there was something rotten in the root, causing a gentle swell in my gums. On Monday I had the culprit extracted.
In the days before this I had been meditating on ‘fear.’ I felt close to reaching the fear that was holding me underwater when I needed to feal brave and assertive (my lack of assertiveness had been calling out for attention and introspection). I was calling on that fear to show me and teach me it’s roots and origins. The tooth extraction and being bomboozled with other people’s cr*p threw me off the scent of the divine and spiritual path to enlightenment.
“Life breaks free. Life expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But life finds a way.” (Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park).
Life throws curveballs.
Other people break free. Other people expand, painfully, dangerously.
Other people find a way to cr*p on you. I keep visualising that cr*p as compost and feeling my feet ground into that compost, feeling shining white light beams of gratitude for the lesson, returning the experience to the ground, as compost, feeling released of the burden of other people’s cr*p. It’s a life pursuit, it takes practise.
I’m drawn back to the time that the tooth went bad. It was a low point in my life. And now, it’s gone! Hopefully, it will heal well and I can have a shiny new glorious implant. I love my gnashers. I don’t have them whitened. I use aloe vera toothpaste and tea tree mouthwash. I love what they have been through(smoking, bulimia, vaping) and survived (they get compliments now). I’m super proud of them. I love my smile! I love chomping too. I love rice cakes and popcorn, and carrots, celery, raw red onion and things that go aahgh aaghg agahaghhgg in my mouth. I’m feeling vulnerable with the gap in my mouth and fear that I will lose the smile I’ve worked so hard for, that’s my cr*p.
Listening to Gabrielle Bernstein (Awakening Your Authentic Power) I loved the reflection of the applause in Gabrielle’s expression, it was so strong and proud, when she shared that she was 7 years sober. Amazing. I’m searching for that power within me. That’s my crap, and I have hated it, ranaway from it, worked through, loved it and returned some of it, back to universe as clean energy, grateful of the lesson.
I was awake at 4am with other people’s cr*p on my mind. The way that other people’s cr*p makes me feel needed attention. So I listened to Gabrielle Bernstein and Sleater Kinney whilst I devoted my felt tip pen to my journal. I’ve been writing to reach my feelings for a long time, I can talk about them and express them out loud better. Tapping into your authentic truth (for me I love scribbling down my inner conflicts and trapped feelings) is a way forwards, onwards and upwards.
“(S)he like a rock in the sea stands h(er) ground.” (Virgil)
“Get your hands dirty.” (Gabrielle Bernstein)