Last November I was climbing into bed straight after work instead of hitting the kettle bells or yoga mat. I was dog tired. And there was no rationale to this, no rhyme, no reason. I had some blood work done and my iron count came back as 8. I was severely anaemic. I quit wheat at this time, after a brief discussion with my harried doctor and this felt like a good move. This year I went to see a nutritionist and had a vega test. Although this test is 70 – 80% accurate, the machine went batshit at wheat, sugar, dark chocolate, coffee, white wine and pear. I have always known that I am incapable of handling wheat and sugar. I have never in my life consumed a full can of sugary soda. But I lived for coffee and dark chocolate and I loved a good pear. And now they’re gone. My mind grieves, my body is confused by the hollow emptiness I feel without these dark, delicious stimulants. I marked lent as the abandonment, banishment, of chocolate from my life. The road is long, hard and lonely. Although I feel less and less restricted as each day ends, I feel no release. Adrenal fatigue strikes a chord and chimes with my circadian clock. It’s 6pm when I truly wake and I struggle to make it through the day, most days. One by one I have removed all of the things that kept me going and what is left, is clapped out. I feel like I’ve had it. I feel like I’ve had my time and I just blew it.
So far this year I have cleared 6k’s worth of debt. And I feel like a smashed egg frying in a pan. Lay me down on a bed of buttered toast and stick a fork in me, I’m done.
There’s more debt to cover and I know, deep down, that my health won’t fully recover until every penny is repaid.